'soy'

that was the first time i saw him. i was afraid to look at him straight in the eye because i know i was not the one he was looking for.. but then, he begged me to stay... he asked me to please, just one glimpse of me and it'll be fine... we can call it quits, we can say it;s over.. after that one 'look'... but then,

it all began...

SpInNINg cHaOs

"i thought walking away from you was the right thing to do..
but we we're both trapped in each other's love,
that no matter how many times we say goodbye to each other,
we still find ourselves longing to hold each other's hands."
sometimes, i still remember how we parted ways,,
it was never easy.
and hearing things from other people, it really wasn't that easy..
i thought it was over.
we both believed it was over.
and yet,
it's this "spinning chaos" that binds us together...
it sucks me in...
hahaha
what a word..
suck..
well, it's just weird that we find ourselves in the most unexpected place and in the most unexpected time...
i know, from the smile in your face, that it was ON again..
i know...
i just know...
welcome back to my arms, my friend

untold story

and then it waS over...
lumipas ang mga araw, dumalang ang text messages, ang mga pagpaparamdam...
we drifted away from each other...
last naming pagkikita after the breakup and everything ay nuong november 4, 2003.
after that, unti unti na kaming naglaho sa mundo ng isa't isa...
a couple of years after, i received a message from him.. he wanted to meet up. nagkita kami sa metropolis alabang. anlaki na ng ipinagbago niya nungmakita ko siya... sobrang hunkie na ung dating nya, sobrang basta... iba.... he smiled at me..and greeted me na para bang buddies lang kami. (buti na lang hindi ako nag-pink)...
kumain kami sa mcdo (favorite na ata namin eto eh), at nag-usap. seryosong usapan. he thanked me for that something different that i brought into his life.. he said he's doing well in his studies na.. and he has a new girlfriend (almost five months na raw sila thaT time).
it's funny because although he's way hotter than before, yet i didn't feel anything. hindi ako naattract, hindi ako nagregret na nagkahiwalay na kami, at hindi rin ako nagnasa (believe it..).
kaya kami nagkita kasi wala lang. hehehe.. pero eto ung naalala ko sa mga sinabi nya- gusto na raw nyang kalimutan ang lahat. un bang parang WALAng nangyari. ung parang di na kami nagkakilala. at ito ung reason nya:
'im living a straight life na kasi.'
okei.. ok lang naman sa akin yun, although parang mejo nakakagulat at mejo me konting pain kasi syempre, first ko yun eh. basta,..pero tinanggap ko naman ang reasonnya.. at alam ko namang mahal nya ung girl kasi parang 3/4 ng conversation namin e tungkol sa kanilang dalawa (at hanggang maisisingit nya sa usapan, isinisingit nya).
inihatid nya ako sa pabalik ng batangas. naghiwalay kami sa lipa.
i thought that was the last time id see him...

akala ko yun na ung last na magkikita kami...
pero last october laNG, nagtext siya sa akin (well buti na lang pala at kinakalat ko sa friendster ang number ko). gusto ko raw bang makipagkita sa kanya, sabi ko naman, walang problema. nag-meet kami sa yellowcab sa recto (dapat sa sm manila kaso me mga kaibigan ata sya na kasama dun eh, me event or something)..
and so, we met.. kinumusta nya ako.. sabi ko tigang (hahaha)... natawa naman siya. sabi nya, napakalaki na raw ng pinagbago ko, nagkaroon na ako ng laman, marunongna akong mag ayos ng buhok, basta, anlaki raw ng improvement. naisip ko naman, gagong to ah, me halo pang okray. sabi ko sa kanya, kaw kasi iniwan mo ko, kaya ayan, kinailangan ko mag-ayos para makahanap ng bago, hahaha...
sabi niya sa akin, naniniwala raw siyang maipapasa ko ang board exam. alam niya raw kasi na pag ginusto ko, magagawa ko.. makukuha ko.. sabi ko naman, oo nga, ikaw lang hindi,.. hehehe,,,
(nagta-try ako syempreng landiin siya, kasi that time tigang talaga ako, hehehe)...
nalaman ko na sila pa rin nung gf niya (wow, antagal na ha...) ginood-luck niya ako...nag-cr kami ng sabay, akala ko iyon na, pero he just kissed me. and he told me that i was the only guy he loved, and that there'll be no other one (bcause "he's living a straight life").. but then, life goes on, we have to move on and he said that may be the last time na magkikita kami.. (i never got the chance to return the kiss, though).
after that, wala na talaga. nag text ako ng thank you (kahit naghati kami sa bayad sa food), di na siya nagreply..
pero naintindihan ko naman siya. gusto lang naman niya na maayos ako. alam ko naman un kasi bine-blame niya sarili niya kung bakit nagkaletse letse ang buhay namin sa UP.
pero ngaun, ok na kami pareho. CPA na ako.. at siya, ang alam ko isa na siyang successful ___________....
now, here are some things that i'l never forget about him....
theme songs namin: 'hero' ni enrique iglesias.
'sweet sexy thing' na gustong gusto niyang kantahin bago kami mag-____.
favorite movie namin pareho ang serendipity.
favorite color nya purple, ako naman pink (very us, hahaha).
marunong siyang kumanta at maggitara.
ako naman magsayaw.
gusto nya na kalbo ako. (pero nung makita niya ung sharky hairstyle ko, mas ok daw yun.)
ayaw niya si dexter (dexter's lab), pero favorite ko yun.
nanonood daw siay ng powerpuff, ako naman ayoko.. hmp.
me ginawa kaming maliit na poem together. ang title nun existence. basta. hehehe.
-the end-

it was the summer of 2002. nagkaroonako ng problema sa letseng dorm na yan(molave) kasi ayaw akong tanggapin forwhatever reason...nasa isip ko, kung hindi molave, thenwala nang iba (bakit? kasi akala kodun sya titira, syempre dapatmagkasama kami)... but then, hindinaman pala sya magdodorm eh (kasi ewanko, hindi ata pang molave angrecommendation nya *wink!*wink!*)sa area 2 ako tumira, sya sa somewhereout there. heheh...we still had our dates (secret datesat sm north), and believe it or not,we even went to UST to attend mass onesunday. hah! who said i wasn'treligious? wala lang, gusto lang naminma-bless ni God ang friendship namin.pag asa sm north kami and feelingnamin na baka me makakilala sa amin,we'd eat at separate tables, but stillclose enough to see each other (ANDLAUGH AT each other's acting...)May 2002. we went to Sm Megamall.. unung time na magkasamang magkasamatalaga kami, the whole day.kagagalingko lang ata sa Batangas nun, at usapanna namin na sa Megamall ako bababa. Iwon't forget that day. He bought me myfirst FHM mag (joyce Jimenez on thecover), para naman daw maging barakoako.. naging avid fan tuloy ako ng fhm.yun ata ung day na napagalitan akonung landlady nung tinitirhan kongboarding haus dahil gabi na akoumuwi.. basta palagi ako ginagabi kasinga, dumadalas ang dates namin..SECOND YEAR COLLEGE.lumipat ako ng tinutuluyang bahay sakrus na ligas. dun, halos ako na langang nakatira kasi dumarating lang ungme ari ng umaga, umaalis na rin sahapon. me isang boarder noon, meroommate din ako (ugh, i remember thatone, he's kinda burara andmabantot..), but then, mas madalaswala tong mga taong to sa bahay untildumating ung time na umalis na ngasila at ako na lang ang nakatira sabahay..sya naman, naging busy sa org nya. (namadalas ay cause of pagiging latenya).. ako naman naging busy sa mgafriends, pag me nag-aya, sumasama.siguro kasi nangungulila ako sa kanya,kaya ibinuhos ko na lang sa friends koung time ko. me mga coquettes dinpamisan minsan, hehehe..then i found out that he has agirlfriend. (so that's why he's busy)..nag-away kami because of this. andthen one night (swerte nya, kakaalislang ng mga barkada kong madalas akongpinupuntahan sa bahay), dumating angkabarkada nyang si *****. nagulat akokasi alam nung tao kung saan akonakatira, and pumunta sya dun bcozmy 'friend' (naks, parang mariel ah)wants to say sorry.at inamin sa kanya ng barkada nya angtungkol sa amin (na lalo ko pangikinagulat), at hindi man daw syapabor sa nangyayari sa amin -tinutulungan lang daw nya ang barkadanya dahil may utang na loob siya dito,na ung gf raw ay front lang, na lovepa rin daw ako ng barkada nya, etc,etc (hindi ko na inintindi becausenaparanoid na ako,nashock at kung anoano pa).sa madaling salita, pinauwi ko na langung barkada nya na walang nangyaringmaayos na usapan.ala una ata ng madaling arawnangalampag ang magaling na lalake sagate ng bahay, he was very drunk andit's as if he wants to wake everyonein the neighborhood...i had no choice. i let him in..he said sorry. he cried. and he sang..namputsa, eto ang hindi ko na kinaya,naiyak na rin ako. we ended up makinglove.. and this time, he was on top..that was one of the greatest sex wehad. hehehe..it was violent, pssionateand very orgasmic... hahaha...and since i live alone, he'd comeeverytime walang 'asungot' (sorryfriends, yan tawag nya senyo), most ofthe time midnight or madaling araw..hindi na kami masyadong lumalabas(kasi pagod sa gabi, hahaha)..and we were happy...

..and we were happy.. until that time when i found out that aside from his girlfriend, meron pa palang isang babae na humahabol habol sa kanya (na laging nagtetext, nangungulit, etc.,) - so you see hindi panget ang 'friend' ko, ok? anyway, this girl is so malandi that she'll do everything just to have my man in her bed. and guess what, when i found out about her, my 'beau' said that there were times that he thought he'd give in but then, naisip nya na hindi lng isa ang pagtataksilan nya kundi dalawa.. naisip ko naman, ano ang meron ang babaeng ito at kahit papano ay natetempt ang pihikang panlasa ng aking asawa? well, dahil friends sila sa letseng org na yan (na hindi lang sa UP matatagpuan),i decided to join him on one of their 'meetings sa org'. and i found out that the girl was hot indeed.. she's sexy, and pretty, nejo nei pagka cono (malamang kasi sa katips nakatira eh).. well, ipinakilala ako ng bf ko sa kanya bilang friend nya, and i couldn't believe what happened.. i saw her flirting with him. sobrang in your face ang pagkamalandi nya,, kulang na lang isalpak nya boobs nya sa ilong ni ******.. at obvious namang na turn on ang mokong.. after that incident, napagkukuwentuhan tuloy naming madalas ung girl at ung mga ginagawa nito maikama lang asawa ko. at ang katangahan ko naman, nasabi ko tuloy na "hindi ako papayag kung hindi ako kasali". and one night, inilabas nya ako at isinama sa isang very posh na condo dun sa katips, at ayun,andun ung hitad na babae.. and believe it or not, right then and there, i fucked a girl. hahaha... i never thought i could do that... all for the love of him... and little did i know that after that incident, magsisimula na palang magdeteriorate ang relationship namin.. the stupid girl-syempre, hindi sya papayag na hanggang dun lang sya sa asawa ko... marami pang sumunod na nagyari sa kanila... and he broke up with his gf at the time for this girl.. (hindi kami nagbreak... but then, dahil inuubos na ni malandi ung oras at energy ni ******, wala na natitira for me..) at nagsimula na akong ma depress at magpabaya sa acads... (pero kami pa rin.. nagkikita pa rin kami... umuuwi pa rin sya sa bahay minsan, we talk... about him... about me... about the girl... about us... about our 'future' and our 'dreams'...) hanggang sa magkandaletse letse na acads ko (at pati rin naman sa kanya...) i was forced to stop studying at UP. he didn't like the idea and said that he'd break up with the girl wag lang ako umalis.. but my parents have decided... hindi ko rin naman mapipilit na magstay pa sa UP kasi nga isa na akong malaking failure... he broke up with the girl (malandi naman kasi talaga ung babae eh, madami pang reserba)... we communicated thru text, phone calls and ym.... bumalik pa ako ng ilang beses nung summer, para lang makipagkita, at ienjoy ang company ng isa't isa.... hanggang sa marealize namin nung august 2003 na hindi na namin pedeng ipagpatuloy... una kasi malayo kami sa isa't isa... mahirap... magastos... ikalawa kasi baka mapabayaan na naman namin ang studies namin.... ikatlo, naintindihan namin pareho na mas mabuti kung magiging magkaibigan na lang kami... (with benefits, of course...)

the untold story....

una sa lahat- the person in the storysent me a message thru friendster(apparently, friends pa rin pala kamirito although hindi nya name at hindisya ung asa profile nung nagmessage sakin...) and he begged (begged kasiandaming please), please james, don'tname names please. please, im allowingyou to share this story but please,please.-yes, i won't mention names. i have nointention of telling everyone that wehad a past (alam ko namang WALA RINGmaniniwala sa akin eh and the onlyperson that knew of what actuallyhappened between us- i don't thinkhe's even here in the philippines, andeven if he's here, alam ko naman naidedeny nya). gusto ko lang namankasing ishare ang napakagandang storyna ito sa lahat..first year college..the first time i laid my eyes on him -it was not magical...he just stood there smiling (as if heknew everything that i don't) and i satthere wondering (why on earth am ihere...)and then days passed and we weren'teven aware of each other's existence(really? i have no idea..) until thatone afternoon when i saw him in thepalma hall comfort room as if waitingfor someone...'di ba taga kalai ka?''oo, ikaw din di ba? second floor?''oo.'i didn't know.he didn't know.we were both surprised- coz the liesthat we made, they actually weren'tenough.then we took the jeepney -the one thathas been waiting for us for the longesttime-and made our way to the jungle...we tried our luck with the caves thathouse the world's filthiest animals butthen, we were TOO YOUNG.. (yes, tooyoung and too horny i should say..) weended up getting a ticket on this verydark moviehouse showing this very weirdfilm (cesar montano's mananabas). butwe did not watch it.. we just talkedand laughed and made fun of ourselvesand our stories that we're just toostupid to make... and we foundourselves holding each other's hands..kissing each other's faces.. lips..chests.. and though we could barelysee, each other's navels...hehehe....and we started tasting eachother.. that was the first, theweirdest, and yet, that was the mostexplosive one... maybe we've waited forit long enough... and we were bothsixteen...but then, it didn't end there...all those times that i disappeared andi was nowhere to be found,i wasn't with anyone- but him..we had to keep everything a secret.because he has this 'image' to protect..iv even seen hin dating girls andflirting with them...yes, i may not be as 'manly' as hewas, but in bed, i am not as 'feminine'as he was...now that's bisexuality at its finest..that time, i never saw anyone buthim... although i might be chasingaround men and boys, (and it's quitefunny coz at one time, i told my friendsthat i liked him - they were like-yeah right)... but they didn't know...they couldn't and wouldn't understand...the 'first part of the affair' lastedfor two months. septembber - october2001. nagkahiwalay kami ng sembreak.after sembreak parang wala ngnangyari. pero this time, we knew thatwe both existed in each other'sworlds.. nagtuloy tuloy sya sapagiging 'straight acting', while ihad my share of other experiences.eto ung mga panahon na me iba akongnatitipuhan at alam ng lahat kung ganuako nababaliw sa bago kong crush noon.then, december came..nagkaroon kami ng isang matindingchristmas party sa kalai..after my performance, i went straightupstairs to change.. nakasalubong kosiya, and he said- HINDI KO NAGUSTUHANANG GINAWA MO.JANUARY 2002, there was this one timei was @mcdonald's philcoa, kumakain namag-isa sa 2nd floor. and then out ofnowhere, bigla siyang nagpakita na medala dalang dalawang large fries.umupo siya sa tapat ko, binigay ungisang fries, and he said 'advancehappy birthday'. tapos bumaba sya,sinundan ko, at nakita ko siya kasamaang barkada nya.. i just smiled atthem and pretended na hihingi lang akong catsup sa counter.. and thenumakyat ako ulit. mamya lang umakyatulit sya, and he said 'labas ulittayo. pero hindi ngaun, kasama kosina -----, text mo ko, bago na atanumber mo.', at kumuha pa siya ngfries at ang kapal pa ng mukha atkumuha pa ng catsup (na hiningi kokanina sa baba).magkikita sana kami sa birthday ko,(jan.21), pero hindi natuloy kasisyempre, me mga kaibigan naman ako nkasama eh...tinext na lang nya ako atbinati, nakasalubong ko rin sya sadorm at least, na-greet nya ko inperson.after ilang araw, he gave me a letter.the letter said tha he doesn't likeme, that he thought my fashionstatement was very weird. that he'drather see me bald than styling myhair in a very outlandish manner. thathe hates it when i follow guys aroundcampus, and telling everyone who ilike. and then he also said that hedoesn't like what he feels about me.he thinks he's falling in love.(hah! kahit panget ako di ba? nakitanyo na ba itsura ko nung first yrcollege?)January 27, 2002 naging kami.SUMMER OF 2002. wala na ako sa dorm...free na ako...lalo na nung second year, me sarili nakasi akong bahay, hehehe...